Pause … for Tolerance

Do you know how your core values play into your Emotional Intelligence? Caitlyn Jenner and social media are giving us lots of examples of this right now, and why the need for tolerance in our society is so important.

One of the activities that I have my EQ executive coaching clients go through is to determine their core values. The reason for this is that our values determine our assessments of situations, judgments, offenses and reactions. In the workplace, conflicting values can create stress, discord, lack of communication and troubled relationships.

What I am seeing a lot of lately on social media with the reveal of Caitlyn Jenner is a lot of posturing one way or the other with regard to her choices and actions, typically based on whether or not people think it is “right” as associated with their values. This is not dissimilar from the types of posts that people make with regard to political leanings, religion, child rearing, etc. All of these types of thoughts are tied to values. Reactions and outcries happen when someone or something offends our values.

Everyone is entitled to their opinions and beliefs. Diversity can be a beautiful thing that makes our world far more interesting. The danger arises when we don’t accept people for having beliefs which may differ from our own. I’ve seen general, all-encompassing calls for unfriending those who don’t agree with a post. This is nothing new. I see it periodically each month. I call it to our attention now because it points to how the nature of those inflammatory statements (which are a type of public shaming against those whose values don’t align with the poster’s beliefs) can impact things on a  grander EQ scale.

For those of you who mix business with pleasure and have workplace associates on your friends list, when you make broad, sweeping statements associated with a value and then you have to work with someone on your friends list the next day, it can create the possibility for a hostile work environment; or at the very least, a sense of discomfort if someone doesn’t subscribe to the same belief system. If it is the case of a subordinate and a supervisor, this can create additional potential for further complications if the same values are not shared, and it all plays into company culture.

Every day, I see a lot of things on social media that I don’t necessarily subscribe to or agree with, yet I still appreciate the person who has those opinions. I believe our society would benefit from trying to practice tolerance more often. Perhaps part of this stems from my years in the property management industry and the need to treat everyone equally for fair housing purposes, but also because I know that tolerance breeds acceptance, and acceptance breeds trust, cooperation and communication in the workplace and beyond.

Am I saying we need to accept every person or every situation that we completely and fundamentally disagree with? Absolutely not. That’s why they call it tolerance. The definition of tolerance is, “A fair, objective, and permissive attitude toward those whose opinions, beliefs, practices, racial or ethnic origins, etc., differ from one’s own; the permissible range of variation.” What are you willing to tolerate?

Being mindful of the ways in which we share our thoughts and opinions and how they will be received is what we mean when we say someone has a high level of Social Awareness. Those who don’t care, well, let’s just say that they could end up with a Social AwareMESS on their hands.

Trust me, I am as sick of the whole Kardashian clan as everyone else. In the words of John Oliver who hosts HBO’s Last Week Tonight, “How is this still a thing?” Yet Bruce Jenner’s association with that family most likely led him to realize that it was easier to do this publicly than to try to do it quietly as most people would like to be able to in that situation. Now as Caitlyn, she sees an opportunity to help people learn more about and understand the Transgender community. Whether or not you agree with her choice, she has done what she felt she needed to do to be true to herself.

Yesterday, thanks to my friends at J Williams Staffing I had the opportunity to hear Mike Staver, speaker and author of Leadership Isn’t For Cowards, talk about one of the obstacles to being a person of influence: The need to be right. When we need to be right, it doesn’t allow for other viewpoints. He said the cure to needing to be right is to instead be curious … be interested.

Try to figure out the following: What can you learn about the other person? About the situation? Can you try to understand that his or her feelings come from personal values, which may not be the same as  yours? Shouldn’t that be okay, even if you don’t agree?

When we become curious and try to learn more about other people, it helps us become more well-rounded individuals. We may not always agree with everyone or understand them or their choices, but in learning more about them we will hopefully appreciate them for the unique individuals they are and the diversity they bring to our world.

If you feel yourself getting riled up because someone doesn’t agree with your viewpoint or your values, I encourage you to pause … for tolerance. And please … be mindful and respectful of the ways in which you present your thoughts to others. In doing so, you will enjoy much more harmony in your personal and professional relationships. And possibly avoid a lawsuit in the workplace!

(Photo courtesy of Ronn Ruiz of Chulo Chonies)

Valerie M. Sargent is a dynamic speaker, trainer, consultant and executive coach. A natural and engaging motivator, Valerie is a Level I and Level II TalentSmart Emotional Intelligence Certified Trainer and President of Yvette Poole & Associates. She helps individuals and organizations increase their EQ, managing emotions and relationships better on the job for maximum performance. Her signature message, “It’s in the Pause”® focuses on the need for Self-Management skills to preserve positive relationships in the workplace and beyond – follow her blog: https://itsinthepause.com/). For more information: http://ypooleandassoc.com/  or http://valeriemsargent.com/.

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