It’s in the Pause ®

The space where Emotional Intelligence happens…

Pause … To Be Still (Volume 2)

Posted on February 1, 2022 by Valerie M Sargent

Seven lessons I learned during the pandemic

Nine months ago, I promised a Volume 2, focused on the topic of pausing to be still. I said I would be addressing self-care, mindfulness, and healthy boundaries. Well, I’m a little later than I had planned. BUT I made a commitment this year (yes, the new one – 2022) to writing this blog more frequently … at least one time per month. Hold me to it! Here goes, just in the nick of time to meet my January commitment! 🙂

Offering Grace is Necessary

If there is anything I have learned during the past 22 months, it has been to offer grace, both to myself and to others. Offering grace to myself has been critical during these ever-evolving days, weeks, months, and now years. I haven’t kept commitments to myself at times during the ‘Rona years. Little commitments (like keeping self-imposed deadlines) and larger ones, too (I still haven’t gotten back into a regular workout routine) have fallen by the wayside at times. My creativity has certainly felt stunted more often than not.

In part this happened because when we first started dealing with everything it felt like we were all just treading water, trying to figure it all out while finding a new center. In so doing, I found that the best thing to do has been to simply be mindful, acknowledge it, and then offer myself some grace. Grace is a form of goodwill, and offering myself grace when I have fallen short of my own expectations has been a necessity and one of the best forms of self-care.

Speaking of expectations, after watching so many plans fall apart over and over and over again in 2020 and 2021 – from business engagements to personal plans, like vacation time for a milestone birthday – I finally embraced what I have been working with clients on for many years: The easiest path to disappointment is having expectations. I thought I had applied that learning years ago, but I realized that I hadn’t quite perfected not being tied to a particular outcome in all areas.

Offering grace to myself became easier as time went by. Offering grace to others? That was sometimes more challenging during these divisive times. As I taught recently during one of my online sessions, we have to learn to meet people where they are and then choose to love them anyway. This may come with healthy boundaries in place for some, but we have to find a way to get back to love and focus on the things we have in common with others. It is imperative for us to be able to find peace in this big, crazy world of ours. Be the good.

The Beauty of Letting Go

Letting go has been one of my most difficult life lessons. Having lost a father at a young age, I have had a tendency to try to hold onto things as much as I can. If people have been of value in my life, I still want them in my life, even when relationships change and evolve. Maintaining positive connections is incredibly important to me, and this sustains me on some level. I like to think it makes the world a better and happier place. (I’m cheesy – I know!)

As part of this, I have realized that I want people to keep their word and maintain their commitments, as I try to do if at all possible, especially on an emotional level. This is not unreasonable, as keeping commitments to one another helps life work well. Because of this, it has been distressing when people have made promises to me and then didn’t follow through. I have held onto small bits of that baggage for YEARS! I seek balance in all that I do, and I hold space for course corrections. But if only one person seeks balance in life, trying to hold on to something like a long-ago promise eventually becomes something that no longer serves our highest good.

That’s okay. Many of us do this. We’re human, after all. I suppose a huge gift of the pandemic has been that in watching plans continually crumble, I finally began to let go of things more easily. Everyone is on their own journey, and each of us has our own lessons to learn. In offering grace and forgiveness to others while also letting go of expectations for them, I have seen the beauty of how other possibilities and opportunities in life unfolded due to those that slipped away. The balance actually comes not from anything that someone else has or has not done, but in the beauty of letting go itself. Wow.

Be at Peace with Life’s Timing

It is all somehow beautiful and synchronous in timing, this grand life of ours. We don’t often understand things at the time that they happen, but if we continually look for clues that led us down a particular path, we can typically find the significance and meaning in the broken roads that lead us to purpose and happiness. Even in this crazy pandemic!

I think this has been a very unique time in life. The entire world hit PAUSE. We have all gone through the same thing at the same time, in a global capacity. While I don’t love that we have all had to go through a pandemic, I look for any gifts it has offered to me.

For someone who used to be incredibly busy, traveling frequently and being on the go a lot of the time, I was suddenly grounded to an abrupt halt. It was incredibly disconcerting at first. But, as time went on, I became more settled and even found peace in not being so busy. I began to like it, and to even crave it. I embraced where I was in life, and began to reflect and look for my next steps.

It took me straight into an epigentics-based certification course to help people heal their DNA and lifetime-based emotional trauma and blocks. In going through all that has resulted from COVID-19, I have found another way to expand my business and help others. If you need information on me and how I can support you with this valuable energy healing work, please feel free to reach out to me through my Valerie M. Sargent website. It is lovely.

Set Positive Routines

When life seems ambiguous, one of the best things you can do is establish positive routines for yourself. Find those things that you look forward to on a daily or a weekly basis, and maintain those in order to create opportunities for happiness. Maybe this is a cup of coffee in the morning, or watching something daily that makes you laugh (that’s Graham Norton for me – I follow his channel on Facebook and watch videos every week!). I also talk to my mom every morning – something we have done since I moved out of the state, which has become increasingly more important for connection during the uncertainty of the past few years – and this never fails to brighten my day!

Whatever it might be for you, establish your routines and continue to do them without fail. Our brains like a little predictability to keep us grounded during turbulent times.

Cherish Your Tribe

During the first week of the pandemic, when everything was shut down in March of 2020, I formed the Friday Night Sanity Club with five close longtime friends located in two other states, all of whom I first met between the ages of 14-18. There is something wonderful about friendships that have lasted since your teen years. We joined online for happy hour via Zoom that first Friday night, and have maintained this get-together nearly every week thereafter (although now we are down to a core group of four rather than six, with the other two joining randomly on occasion).

Our friendships have evolved during these years, growing deeper and closer, and we look forward to being together every week. Our Core Four – myself along with my other three “Ride or Die” ladies – hold positive intentions for one another from week to week. We ask for support in certain areas, and then hold positive space for each other in each week ahead. It is so nice to know you have loved ones wanting the best for you and offering mental and emotional support as needed.

People think of me as an extrovert (or extravert, as it is commonly spelled in a psychological capacity). But truly, I am as Daniel Pink has talked about: an ambivert – not overly extroverted or introverted, but rather a little of both. I do enjoy and get energy being around other people, but I also enjoy quieter times as well. I tend to circle the wagons during times of crisis and have a smaller group of loved ones around me.

These past few years have definitely been more of the latter, and I value and cherish my tribe. I am blessed with a wonderful group of friends and family, and I am grateful. Nothing was harder than being physically separated from family in 2020, and I’m so glad I’ve been able to be together with my mom and family again after the worst of the pandemic.

Be Grateful

Speaking of which, I have continued to look for the things that make me feel grateful. Some days it’s watching the squirrels playing outside. Other days it’s noticing the beautiful flowers in the neighborhood. Maybe it is just having a yummy brunch, or hearing a favorite song. Perhaps it’s someone whose silliness matches my own, who just makes me laugh. Lately, it’s been the fact that business is picking up again – let’s just say that it’s been a rough few years on those in the speaking and large events industries. Happy to see things finally getting back on track, and I’ve been enjoying contributing to some great events recently.

Gratitude has us constantly looking for things we can be grateful for and helps to center us. Continuing to reach for gratitude helps us maintain positivity during difficult times. I try not to focus on negative things and look instead for those things that make me feel happy, calling attention to those joyful discoveries with mindfulness and appreciation. I often coach my clients to journal and keep track of at least five things each day that they can be grateful for, as it often brings more happiness when the lens is focused in that direction.

Pause … To Be Still

During the past two years, I have truly learned to be still. I was not as comfortable with that previously, but I have now embraced it and have become grateful for the ability to be still. In my stillness, I have enjoyed solitude more and deepened my relationship with self. I have healed old traumas, and have found a peace within myself that I hadn’t experienced beforehand. I feel as if I have found a new level of wisdom, and I like it.

As an Emotional Intelligence Strategist, last year I finally developed my own definition of Emotional Intelligence: “Emotional Intelligence is being able to discern what is happening within ourselves and using those layers of knowledge to manage our emotions effectively, so we can have better, more productive connections with others to lead calmer and more satisfying lives.”

That is truly what it’s about for me – how do we lead calmer and more satisfying lives? It comes from a place of being able to meet ourselves where we are in a moment, sitting with our emotions, recognizing them, working through them, and being a peace with them. Learning to be still has taken me back to that original space of Emotional Intelligence and where it happens for me: It’s in the Pause ®.

And as I close this out, I realize that I started this on January 31, but I’m wrapping it up on February 1. Yep … that’s a little short of my goal. But you know what? I’m going to offer myself some grace, and be proud of the fact that I got the first one for 2022 done!

We just have to keep taking those steps forward and keep trying to improve. What are some of the lessons you’ve learned through the past few years? I’d love to hear …

_{Valerie M. Sargent} _{is a dynamic speaker, trainer, consultant and executive coach. A natural and engaging motivator, Valerie is a Level I and Level II TalentSmart Emotional Intelligence Certified Trainer and President of Yvette Poole & Associates. She helps individuals and organizations increase their EQ, managing emotions and relationships better on the job for maximum performance. Her signature message, “It’s in the Pause”® focuses on the need for Self-Management skills to preserve positive relationships in the workplace and beyond – follow her blog:}_{https://itsinthepause.com/}_{). For more information:}_{http://ypooleandassoc.com/}_or_{http://valeriemsargent.com/}_.

Pause … to Write About It

Posted on August 14, 2019 by Valerie M Sargent

Transforming Stress into Understanding

Are you dealing with a stressful situation? Do you have a difficult relationship at work that you have been trying to determine how to handle? Or perhaps you are feeling a low level of anxiety about something, but can’t quite put your finger on it? Taking the time to put words to what you are feeling can be very useful in working through these types of instances where our emotions bubble to the surface.

As many of you know, I returned to my writing again recently after taking a pause to focus on other things. As I begin to make it a practice again, I am reminded of the emotional benefits of writing. Writing helps us to explore things in a different sphere. We can take the emotions we feel as data to help us get to the deeper level of a problem, writing about them as a way to develop potential solutions or simply process through things. I often advise my EQ Executive Coaching clients to keep an emotions journal where they can track the different emotions that come up for them during our work together.

How Can You Incorporate This?

Ask yourself more questions, and good ones at that. Questions like:
“What exactly am I feeling right now, at this moment?”
“Where is this coming from?”
“Have I felt this way before?”
When was the last time I experienced this?”
“Do I have this feeling often?”

One feeling may be springing from several different emotions, and those emotions may be rising up from something separate than the current situation that you haven’t yet identified … it may even be something from a subconscious place you are unaware of and you don’t even realize. If you haven’t correctly identified what is truly bothering you, you could find yourself reacting inappropriately.

For instance, let’s say that darn Margaret at work said something that just set you off, and you were instantly angry – how dare she?! If you took the time to look into it at a deeper level through some exploratory writing, you might find that, yes, you were angry … but it was anger that sprang from embarrassment. Judy made her comment in front of two other colleagues you had really been working to impress. And as you continued your writing, you might recall that time that a high school coach had called you out for your lack of performance on your sports team, right in front of your other teammates – what may be a motivator for some shuts down others. So you discover that it was the long-seeded embarrassment that contributed to your anger, as it was from a deeper wound and perhaps an ongoing trigger for you. That insight can definitely help you the next time you feel something similar.

Practice Non-Judgment

As you start writing about these things, you may be surprised at what comes up for you. It is often easy for us to buy into our self-talk, which is really at the heart of much of our emotional distress. Whatever is happening, we are constantly assessing it and applying our own meaning to it. That voice inside our head stays very busy with its incessant chatter, quantifying and qualifying everything you see and encounter! As you start to write, you may even start judging yourself, thinking, “I’m awful – I shouldn’t be saying this!”

Instead, accept that you are experiencing whatever emotions and thoughts you are having, and trust that you have a handy paper shredder or trash bin button nearby if necessary once you have fully processed and are no longer in need of those nasty thoughts!

Learn From It

As you complete your exploration, identify whatever insights you may have had or lessons you learned that can be applied the next time. From there, don’t dwell on it! One of the biggest lessons we can learn in life is to LET GO. If it is not serving you, don’t keep it in your thoughts. Develop a strategy for how you want to handle the current or similar situations and move along, stronger and more knowledgeable going forward.

Sometimes You Need to Hit Pause …

Posted on September 4, 2018 by Valerie M Sargent

What have you paused on that you need to start again?

I took a pause. In a world where life seems too busy … in a career where I wear many hats … in a life where I serve many roles … I took a pause. I stepped forward toward some things, and away from others. That’s just life, isn’t it? Or is it?

Have you ever noticed that the longer you stay away from something, the easier it becomes to stay away from? Think about after a breakup. You go through the stages of grief, and you continue to miss the person (or I’ve seen some people be elated! LOL). However, not seeing the person helps you process through everything, and it continues to get easier. As time goes on, the pain becomes less and less. One day, the thought of that person finally takes a back seat in your mind, and you continue to move forward. It’s that way with relationships, but also with habits, responsibilities and hobbies as well.

So much of my work that I do involves writing in one capacity or another. I had always been one who needed to feel “inspired” to write. I needed a story to tell, or an anecdote to share, based on something I’d seen or experienced.

I neglected to look at writing – something I actually enjoy – as a discipline; not only as a discipline, but as an act of love performed in support of myself and others. Suddenly, when I look at it that way, it changes things for me. Writing is something that brings me release, peace, inspiration, comfort, understanding and joy. So why haven’t I been doing it?!?!

“Life,” I told myself.

“I’ll do it tomorrow,” myself told me.

Well, today is finally my tomorrow, and I’ve chosen to create a daily practice of writing for myself, so that I will have contributions for more regular articles. I have a desire to contribute to others. By not exploring things I’m curious about, I cheat myself out of my innate nature as a thought magnet and a purveyor of positivity; as a learner and a guide for others. So today I commit to sharing something here on at least a monthly basis … more often if the good stuff really keeps rising to the surface, which undoubtedly it will once I have that discipline of self-love and writing established. Ten minutes a day is all I’m asking of myself. It’s not much. What are you willing to give to yourself?

Taking a pause can be a healthy choice from an emotional perspective. Sometimes it may not even be a conscious choice. I don’t think it was for me. Rather, it may be something that just happens, and you start to notice its absence. Yet the more I noticed its absence, the more I resisted starting again, despite my love for it. I didn’t understand that.

What have you paused on recently? Do you know why you hit that pause button? Did the pause benefit you? What did you gain? What did you lose? What was missing for you once it was gone?

I think I hit pause on my writing for a variety of reasons – with so many other responsibilities, it seemed like an easy thing to give up or step away from … I think the divisiveness of these times have had us in an interesting energetic space, and somehow I’ve felt less motivated to write. Yet I know that, in the words of my beloved Foo Fighters, “It’s times like these you learn to live again. It’s times like these you give and give again. It’s times like these you learn to love again. It’s times like these time and time again.”

Now I realize that stepping away benefitted me by creating additional time, yet I also lost an outlet that sparks my creativity. I know that I am what I create myself to be, and I choose to bring more of myself to the world, not less.

We are all gifts. What gift of yourself are you keeping from the world? How would life look different for you if you were experiencing it more fully and sharing yourself with those around you?

Don’t think yourself into a corner. Just take some action … baby steps, if you must. Maybe it’s a new workout plan that you’ll pick up, or a new skill to try, or a new friendship to develop, or a conversation that’s long overdue that you’re finally ready to have. Find that something you paused on, and hit “play” again. See what happens.

Chances are the pause was worthwhile, but life isn’t meant to be on pause forever.

Why Are You Playing Small?

Posted on September 12, 2016 by Valerie M Sargent

How to Stop Procrastination and Self-Sabotage When You’re on the Edge of Success

Are you not reaching your full potential? Do you know you have so much more you can bring to the table, but you have something stopping you? And, come to find out, it’s YOU?!

Haven’t we all had that happen at times? Haven’t we all been capable of so much more, but then we do something to stunt our progress? Or we procrastinate? Or we sabotage our efforts? What’s that all about? Why do we do that?!

Don’t you deserve better than that? Doesn’t everyone deserve that better version of you?

The other day while scrolling through my Twitter feed, I came across a post by a guy that I follow named Keith Claridge, who says he is a truth seeker, coach and mentor. He had posted a tweet to a longer Facebook thought that was basically him journaling to himself. It struck a chord with me – you can read it here if you’d like. He said, “By playing small I’m not impacting the world. Playing small robs people of having the opportunity to work with me.”

Why Do We Do This?

Have you found yourself “playing small” as well? If we focus on our Self-Awareness, we have to really look inside to determine why this is happening. What is driving you toward a certain behavior? What benefit do you get by not reaching your highest level? Or if you do reach those high achievements, but they still don’t bring the feelings you thought you might experience long term, then what?

I recently watched the Netflix film on Tony Robbins entitled I Am Not Your Guru. The film documents one of his Date with Destiny events, showing the challenges, decisions and transformations people commit to after being part of the event. In the bonus material after the credits, dancer Derek Hough was talking about how he felt like he always had to achieve things in order to feel good; that he had to be first place and be the best. Then he found himself sitting at home after winning a TV show (Dancing with the Stars) three times, surrounded by his trophies and feeling like, “Well now what? Shoot! I thought this was going to bring me, just … long lasting joy.”

The winning didn’t make him feel the way he thought he would. Often, after the initial high once you’ve achieved your goal wears off, you come back to reality and wonder why that didn’t make you happy. Were you happy to begin with? There’s something to consider …

After someone who bought his books asked real estate investor Dean Graziosi why he would be at Date with Destiny, he said, “Are you kidding me? We all have our own stuff … Accomplishments don’t change who we are in here. We all need to fix that. How many successful people end their lives, or drink or do drugs ‘cause they can’t figure it out?”

Understanding why you do things can help you create more Self-Awareness. Knowing what success really looks like for you can help, too.

What’s Your “Stuff?”

Tony Robbins talks about how, ultimately, people usually want to change a behavior, or they want to change how they feel. Which is it for you? Maybe it’s both.

If you feel like you are playing small, why do you feel this way? Is it due to a fear of success? Is there anything traumatic in your past that made you feel like you didn’t get what you wanted? In Psychology Today, Susanne Babbel Ph.D. MFT wrote in her article “Fear of Success” that “… the physical reactions to stress and to excitement are very similar. So, when we experience a traumatic event—such as a car accident or a school bullying incident—our body associates the fear we experience with the same physiological feelings we get while excited. Once we have been through enough trauma, we start to avoid those types of situations that trigger memories of fear. For this reason, trauma victims can tend to avoid excitement, and that can lead them to avoid success.”

Have you had traumatic events in your past that you still hold on to? Most of us have experienced some sorts of trauma of varying degrees, and in truth it is often what makes us better and stronger human beings when we are able to move through and past it all and then serve others around us. What were the feelings that you held surrounding that trauma? How do those feelings play out in your life today, subconsciously or consciously?

Or perhaps you had something that you failed at previously. If you find yourself focusing on that (over and over again) and the reasons you may not succeed, that can also slow your progress. If you feel like you were a failure, you may think, “Why even bother? This won’t work.”

What are the behaviors you then engage in? Did you know that 20% of people identify themselves as chronic procrastinators (Psychology Today’s “Why We Procrastinate”)? Procrastination is a Self-Management issue. When you are procrastinating, you are lacking the discipline to do what needs to be done; something that would likely ensure your success. With regard to one reason people procrastinate, Hara Estroff Marano writes, “They distract themselves as a way of regulating their emotions such as fear of failure.”

There may even be a scenario where you have a blind spot … you may think you’re doing everything you need to do, but perhaps you aren’t doing it all in ways that bring you the results you seek. How can you fix something when you don’t even know what isn’t working?

So How Do You Handle This?

How do you break these patterns when you find yourself playing small? Well, first you have to make some decisions. The first decision is that you are no longer going to accept that behavior or that feeling that is causing you to play small and not put your best self forward. You decide that you are tired of the results you are getting. From there you simply have to choose to do things differently, and you have to choose that daily. Yep … Every. Single. Day. This will come as you increase your Self-Awareness. Once you realize you are going down the rabbit hole again, you can stop and change what you are doing.

Don’t be afraid to ask someone for constructive feedback on your performance. It can be difficult to hear what we’re not doing well, but pick a trusted advisor to help guide you along the way and you will reap the rewards of their observations and care. When someone you trust can see things you can’t, you are able to incorporate their thoughts, make small adjustments, and then course correct to get yourself back on track.

Note the different feelings that are happening in your body, the physical cues, the habits you engage in, and the time wasters you allow. I encourage my coaching clients to keep a journal to note anytime something happens that takes them away from what they should be doing. Often they may catch it after the fact … you know, after they just spent forty minutes scrolling through Facebook when they should have been finishing an important report? Yeah, that kind of procrastinating. Figure out what your common distractions are and eliminate them.

If eliminating them is not possible, LIMIT them. Set a time limit on how long you will allow yourself to shift your attention to refocus. Consider how your brain performs most optimally. Travis Bradbury wrote an article called “The Perfect Amount of Time to Work Each Day.” In it he states, “The ideal work-to-break ratio was 52 minutes of work, followed by 17 minutes of rest. People who maintained this schedule had a unique level of focus in their work.”

He went on to say, “The brain naturally functions in spurts of high energy (roughly an hour) followed by spurts of low energy (15 to 20 minutes).”

Did you even know your brain works that way?! This was news to me, but it made so much sense when I started to think about some times I have gotten distracted or lost focus on a project. It usually happens about an hour in … interesting, right?

So look at structuring your day differently if you can, in hourly blocks with little breaks. When you take your break, separate yourself from your work so that you can refocus. As someone with many different aspects to her business, I can sometimes feel scattered because I have so many different tabs and email accounts open, and I try to tend to all by jumping from one to the next at times. Guess what? I am figuring out that doesn’t work well for me. When I shift and focus on just one at a time, it helps me to better manage everything.

Get up and walk away from your desk! Have you heard? “Sitting is the New Smoking.” Do you spend too much time on your caboose in front of the computer? When you take those focus breaks, ensure that you are getting up and moving your body, even if it is just for a quick stretch or a walk to get a glass of water. Are you getting enough exercise every week? That can kick your brain into action, too. If you change your physical state, you change your brain. Form new habits, and you will form new neural pathways in your brain. Create a new and better you!

I have not written this blog as regularly as I had planned. While I love to write, I often have to feel inspired to do so. It feels difficult to me to be “creative on demand.” I have always felt the need to be in a writing mood, and sometimes my brain is too full of other things to feel creative. Which stinks! Because my brain a great power tool full of creative energy … I shouldn’t keep it locked away!

I have been thinking lately that if I will make a practice of setting aside my time differently – I am currently working on scheduling and time blocking for different projects, learning, and tasks – I could create better and more regular habits around writing as well, in addition to some of my other work. Sometimes I feel I just have too much on my plate, which can lead to feeling overwhelmed at times. But then I step back and remember my QuantumThink mantra, “I have all the time in the world.”

Once I relax into that, my focus shifts and I can move forward. Usually. Except on those certain days when I also find myself playing small. Which is what brought us here today. I don’t want to do that! As Keith expressed, I don’t want to rob people of the opportunity to work with me, because my goal is always to impact change and make a difference. If I am playing small, I can’t do that. And neither can you!

Let’s stop. Right now. Together. Because I’m a pretty cool person, and so are you if you’re reading this. And cool people should never play small! Right?!

Find Your Purpose

In an episode of Oprah Winfrey’s Super Soul Sunday on OWN, Oprah conducted an interview with Wes Moore. Wes is an entrepreneur, Rhodes Scholar, war veteran, former White House staffer, prior Wall Street investment banker and now a best-selling author of the books The Work and The Other Wes Moore. Yes, one could say he’s accomplished! He has a focus on pursuing passion and finding your calling, and has founded BridgeEdu to help students positively transition from high school to college in an effort to increase retention and graduation rates.

Do you sometimes feel like you’re faking it? In response to the thought of when you are feeling like an imposter or that you aren’t good enough to be in a room, Wes said, “We are never in a room that we don’t belong in.”

Remember that. Whatever insecurities you may be having, wherever you may be falling short, stop playing small and feeling like you don’t belong or that you don’t deserve the success you’re headed toward. Are you worried about what other people think of you or what they will say about you? Pause … let it go. Move on already. Wes has a great thought that everyone should incorporate: “Don’t let people that don’t matter too much matter too much.”

Why are you giving those people any real estate in your head? Release those people and things that do not have you performing at your highest potential. Sometimes that also means letting go of that little voice inside your head that holds you back. For some, this is the biggest culprit in self-sabotage. Negative thinking must be eliminated, along with negative self-talk, if you want to reach the next level. When you catch yourself listening to that little voice in your head and you don’t like what it’s saying, change the soundtrack and focus on the possibilities ahead instead.

As we all search for meaningful ways we can serve in this life and put forth our best efforts, don’t let fear or the act of playing small stop you from bringing everything amazing about YOU to the world. We are all here for a reason. What is yours?

I will close this with a final thought from Wes Moore: “I would rather flirt with failure than never dance with my joy.”

There you have it. Now stop reading. Go dance!

Photo Credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/137169575@N04/25072344705">Adorable Handsome Black Boy Child in Baggy Business Suit laughing and walking over white background.</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/">(license)</a>

Pause … to Know You Are Enough

Posted on March 18, 2015 by Valerie M Sargent

You see it reflected everywhere: Doubt. Lack of belief in the self. Not being confident in oneself. A feeling of “not good enough.” Perhaps you even see it reflected at yourself in the mirror.

At the core of so many emotional reactions is a lack of self-worth or feeling hurt by something someone else has done. Oftentimes, it is our biggest gift we question the most. This may be because it feels most vulnerable to put the thing we value most out there for everyone to see. What if they don’t like it? What if it doesn’t mean anything to them? What if, we think, I don’t matter? Yet in putting ourselves out there, we are able to share with others and let them know they are not alone. We are not alone. We are all connected. Isn’t it about time we all pull ourselves together and start acting like it?

I was first drawn to Emotional Intelligence because it was an opportunity to get to know myself better, and because it was something that I saw as so lacking in businesses and individuals everywhere. In working with clients before obtaining my certification in EQ, I would see emotional reactions happen in offices all the time. I noticed that in the moment, people didn’t realize what was happening to them, and many times their reactions were driven by a deeper sense of pain. People will often blame others in fear of their own weaknesses being exposed.

Having confidence in your skills and abilities stems from being emotionally comfortable in your own skin. It comes from believing in yourself and in what you do. It springs forth when you understand that your most profound strength can become your biggest weakness if you constantly question it.

Unless we are willing to look at ourselves at a deeper level, the feeling of being “not enough” will perpetuate.

So What Can I Do About It?

When I was merely 14 years old, I experienced the biggest heartbreak of my life. My dad died suddenly and accidentally, and I came home from basketball practice and found him. Unfortunately, even after medical attention, it was too late to save him. As I think about this, it understandably still feels emotional for me… the familiar tension in the neck hits, my shoulder blades start to tighten, and my eyes get a little teary. This is hardwired into my body; into my brain. There are bioenergetics at play constantly that result from our thoughts, and our bodies respond in so many unhealthy ways to thoughts we perpetuate. But this is me, putting it all out there for you in this moment, so that we all may learn.

In that 14-year old instant, I was “not enough” to save him. Thanks to a wonderful support network of family and friends, I went on to become a happy, well-adjusted teen and adult. Yet there has always been that sense of loss that has clouded things at times. I suppose it has given me a much broader sense of empathy, which of course is a huge EQ component when it comes to Social Awareness. Yet as a speaker with a training background, I too have struggled with that “not enough” feeling, wondering what I had to say that was worth hearing.

Know Your Story

I didn’t realize that the most obvious thing that completely shaped my life WAS my story, and that I was so close to it that I couldn’t see it. Everything in life is here to teach us lessons, especially those most painful things. I remember hearing a quote that went something like this: The very thing that breaks you open sets you free. If you are willing to be an explorer and dive deep, you can go on a journey where you truly discover yourself. Each “wrong” or disappointment – every hurt, breakup, insult or injury – can send you down the pathway of exploration. It can lead you to your gift and your purpose.

I have learned to find gratitude in pain rather than fight it, even if I don’t like what brought that pain to me. The pain drives me deeper. That’s where I read, and I learn, and I go on a journey of self-discovery. And I get better. This is simply because I become more myself, accepting those things that change my life and, eventually, letting go. And in those moments, when I come to acceptance, I know that all is well and I am enough. And I carry that forth…

YOU are enough. What is YOUR story? What is the pain that you’re holding onto? What offenses are you continually feeling over and over again? What are you scared of? Why? What do you not believe in about yourself? It’s time to figure it out, so you can be more productive with your time, your energy and your feelings. What are you not letting go of? Is it serving you? Each experience is a puzzle piece that creates who you are, who you’ll become, and how you’ll live. Do you know your story? I think it’s time for a new chapter! Let’s go!